Lori McKenna has a way of singing what I feel. I love her music. At times it isn’t the best thing for me to listen to because, depending on my frame of mind, I’m likely to end up crying…boo-hoo sobbing to her honest, raw, heart-wrenching lyrics.
I tend toward nostalgia; I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad, but either way it’s me, and I’m learning to be ok with that.
Recently Lori McKenna’s “The Most” has been playing and replaying in my mind…ok, and in my iTunes, too. Part of that song says,
I’ll write you a story, how I ended up here
And how the little things make us and how long it takes us
To figure out what matters the most
Someday well, I’ll look back and wonder
Someday it comes around
A little quicker than they told you
Asking, “Did I do what I was suppose to in my life?”
My life is in a state of change right now. My oldest daughter graduated from college and is engaged to be married in November. She’s also moving sometime in July. My second daughter is working at a camp in Lake Tahoe this summer and then moving out to live with Young Life leaders in Norfolk in August; my third daughter starts college in the fall, and my youngest will be a senior in high school. I’ve always heard “time flies”…”they’ll grow up quicker than you think”…”the days are long but the years are short.” But somehow I wasn’t prepared for the now of my life. I wasn’t prepared for the feeling I feel when I think of them not living under my roof anymore.
Sometimes it really does take us a long time to figure out what matters the most. Oh, we know what matters the most, but I know I haven’t always lived what matters the most. I get sidetracked, distracted, and plain tired. I don’t always live intentionally or fully or bravely.
I often ask myself, “Did I do what I was supposed to do in my life?” It’s a hard question to ask and even harder to answer. It’s a question that can lead to anxiety, self-pity, regret, and condemnation, but it’s an important question to ask.
And after I answer that question honestly and realize that no, I didn’t do what I was supposed to do in my life…not perfectly, not fully, not everyday, not without fail, it’s then that my faith breaks in to redirect my gaze to the ONE who did do everything perfectly on my behalf. And it’s then that I can move forward thankful that I don’t need to do it all on my own, grateful that my best is good enough because Christ’s “good enough” is perfect and is perfect for me.
So nostalgic Lori McKenna songs inevitably point me to my imperfect brokenness which points me to the perfection of Christ, and I am thankful.
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
And be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—Philippians 3:9